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Cher and Jack in heaven

2009.03.06

"A.I.: Artificial Insemination"

Episode #4.26 & #4.27
Original Airdate 5/16/2002
Part 1 Written By: Adam Barr (Story by Kari Lizer)
Part 2 Written By: Jeff Greenstein & Alex Herschlag (Story by Jhoni Marchinko)
Directed by James Burrows
Transcript by Rob Durfee

CAST
Eric McCormack (Will Truman)
Debra Messing (Grace Adler)
Sean Hayes (Jack McFarland)
Megan Mullally (Karen Walker)
Shelley Morrison (Rosario Salazar)
Michael Angarano (Elliot)

GUEST CAST
Cher (Herself)
Rip Torn (Lionel Banks)
Laura Kightlinger (Nurse)
J Lucas (Ruben)
Andrew Rosenbach (Terry)
Charles C. Stevenson Jr (Smitty)
Peggy Lane O'Rourke (Female Cabbie)
Richard Assad (Male Cabbie)

SCENE X: Barney's New York Department Store
(RUBEN and JACK enter Dorleen's old office.)

RUBEN: Here they are, Jack. The keys to your new office.

[RUBEN HANDS JACK THE KEYS.]

JACK: [GASPS] Oh, my god. I've never had my own office before. I will try to honor the legacy of the bipolar blow monkey who had it before me.

RUBEN: Oh, and Jack, uh, you got this message. Something about a voice-over audition this afternoon. You're not really going to do this, are you?

JACK: Absolutely not! Show business is a harsh bitch of a mistress who kicked me in the gut one too many times until I heaved up the regret of a millions yesteryears!

RUBEN: Huh?

JACK: I quit the biz. My ass belongs to Barney's now.

RUBEN: Smart lady. Enjoy your new office.

JACK: My own orifice. I've arrived.

[JACK BLOWS SOME WHITE POWDER OFF THE DESK MIRROR.]

[JACK TURNS ON THE RADIO AND BEGINS TO PICK UP SOME GARBAGE. HE DANCES AROUND WHILE A CHER SONG PLAYS ON THE RADIO:]

[MUSIC: "When you're standing on the edge of nowhere, there's only one way up. So your heart's gotta go there, and through the darkest nights you see the light shine bright; when heroes fall, in love or war, they live forever. This is a song for the lonely. Can you hear me tonight? I'll be by your side. And this is a song for the lonely--"]

[JACK TRIPS AND HITS THE WALL, FALLING TO THE FLOOR. BOXES FALL ON TOP OF HIM.]

[LATER. JACK SLOWLY WAKES UP.]

JACK: Oh.

[JACK EXITS HIS OFFICE. EVERYTHING IS WHITE AND CLOUDY...]

JACK: Homo, I don't think we're in Barney's anymore. Where am I?

CHER: [VOICE] You're in heaven, Jack.

[CHER DESCENDS A WHITE STAIRCASE.]

JACK: So, are you God?

CHER: It depends on which bathhouse you pray at.

JACK: Oh...my...Cher! You are god! Chastity, Elijah. It all makes sense. Wait a minute. If this is heaven, does that mean I've died?

CHER: Only the entertainer part of you, Jack. That's why I sent for you. The world needs you.

JACK: But I can't go back to performing. I've already broken it to my fan. I'm a retail queen now.

CHER: No, you're not, Jackie. You're the little boy who used to dance naked in front of his mirror. Who grew up and-- and became that sensitive young teenager who danced naked in front of his mirror. And spent way too much time at the gym to become the young man who dances naked in front of his mirror. Don't ever stop dancing, Jack. Don't ever stop dancing. Show business needs you.

JACK: But if it needs me, how come I keep getting rejected?

CHER: You know, don't talk to me about rejection, ok? I mean, look how many times I've gone down in flames. Remember, I lost the Oscar for Moonstruck.

JACK: But you won the Oscar for Moonstruck!

CHER: And don't you forget it. And if that doesn't convince you...

[CHER PUSHES JACK OUT OF THE WAY.]

CHER: Hit it, boys!

[SCANTILY-CLAD ANGELS BEGIN DANCING AS THE MUSIC STARTS AND CHER SINGS]

CHER: [SINGING] This is a different kind of love song, dedicated to everyone. Different kind of love song, Whoa, Whoa, hoh-

JACK: Stop it! Stop it! You're hawking your album during my dream?!

CHER: Well, somebody's gotta pay for the fog and the dancing fairies.

[CHER WALKS BACK TO THE STAIRCASE AND BEGINS CLIMBING.]

CHER: Remember, Jack, follow your bliss. Follow your bliss, Jack. Follow your bliss. Follow your bliss.

JACK: Uh, my bliss is this way. [JACK GRABS ONE OF THE ANGELS AND PULLS HIM TO THE DOOR.]

[CUT TO JACKS OFFICE. JACK IS LYING ON THE FLOOR.]

JACK: [IMITATING CHER] Follow your bliss. Follow your bliss.

[RUBIN OPENS THE OFFICE DOOR.]

RUBEN: Jack. Jack? Wake up!

JACK: What's going... [IMITATING CHER] Ho. Oh.

JACK: [TO RUBEN] What's going on?

RUBEN: Robert just bitch-slapped Terry because he pulled on his weave. [SIGHS] You better get down to women's shoes, pronzo. It's a festival of tears and queers down there.

JACK: I'm sorry, Ruben. No can do.

RUBEN: What? But you're the floor manager.

JACK: Not anymore. I'm a professional actor, and I have a non-union voice-over audition to go to.

[JACK WALKS OUT OF THE OFFICE. RUBEN SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT.]

 

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